S2 Ep.30 Guess the 1 Star Review with A.P. Thayer & Lily Hammer

Guess the 1 Star Reviews - Transcript

[JAMIE]  One of our guests is like very committed to, what did he say, destroying?

[KARLI]  Oh, yeah. Yeah, what did he say?

[JAMIE]  The competitive spirit is alive in this one. [laughs]

[KARLI]  Oh, yeah, sure is. Let's see. He said, I will destroy all my opponents.

[JAMIE]  Wow.

[KARLI]  And then I said that there may or may not be points; and he said he'll be keeping score regardless. [both chuckle] He has already given himself a point before even showing up today. [laughs]

[JAMIE]  It reminds me of Whose Line Is It Anyway, welcome to The Act Break Podcast, where everything's made up and the points don't matter. [both laugh] I'm not nearly as confident as one of our guests. If it was like, movie trivia, that would be one thing. But who knows what we're about to face. I don't know what Karli's got up her sleeve.

[KARLI]  I like it.

[INTRODUCTION MUSIC PLAYS]

[JAMIE]  Welcome to The Act Break, where we're talking about all things story.

[KARLI]  Take a break from your creative endeavors and hang out with us.

[JAMIE]  Have a little simulated human interaction.

[KARLI]  Because internet friends totally count.

[INTRO MUSIC FADES]

[JAMIE]  A couple of weeks ago, I should have requested like—I would have loved to see what you did with a whole game show character. Like, like really play it up.

[KARLI]  I don't know that I could stay in character that long, to be honest. [chuckles]

[JAMIE]  I know. I would just I would settle for just an intro.

[KARLI]  [game show host imitation] Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to today's game show. I'm Karli, your host. [Jamie laughs] Was that good for you? [Jamie claps]

[JAMIE]  I love it. I want it all the time now.

[KARLI]  I can't, I can't. If I give it to you all the time, then you'll just get used to it and then it won't be special anymore. Got to really make you wait for it.

[JAMIE]  I feel like everybody should really cultivate their game show host persona. You know, that way it's just in the back pocket because—

[KARLI]  Everyone should have that? Yeah, oh okay. You never know. I mean clearly I need it today.

[JAMIE]  Everyone. Yeah.

[KARLI]  You never know when you're gonna need it. Our first victim—I mean contestant—has arrived.

[A.P.]  Came here to win.

[KARLI]  [chuckles] We know. [Jamie chuckles] Yay!

[A.P.]  Oh my god.

[KATE]  Hi.

[KARLI]  Beautiful face and everything.

[A.P.]  It's a face. [Kate laughs]

[KARLI]  I feel privileged.

[JAMIE]  This has been the long con.

[KATE]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  She's been not showing her face that way when she finally does everybody just is like [gasps]. Oh my god, look at her.

[KARLI]  Explodes in excitement.

[KATE]  Ew.

[KARLI]  [laughs] She's like I have to go now. [A.P. laughs]

[KATE]  Stop looking at me.

[JAMIE]  I'm gonna look at you the whole time. [all laughing]

[KATE]  No more camera.

[KARLI]  Take it all back.

[JAMIE]  Instantly make our guests uncomfortable. Mmm.

[A.P.]  Isn't that the point?

[JAMIE AND KARLI]  Yeah.

[KATE]  He's already told me he's gonna beat me.

[A.P.]  Let's focus on the winged eyeliner that she did for us.

[JAMIE]  Pretty impressive.

[KATE]  It did do it for you.

[KARLI]  I love it. I love it. I thought about you and I was attempting mine and I was like it's not going to be as good as Kate's.

[KATE]  Thank you.

[JAMIE]  I put a little concealer on this pimple.

[KARLI]  Oh yeah, nice.

[KATE]  Looks good, I noticed it.

[KARLI]  We all, we all made an effort today. Look at us go. [A.P. laughs]

[KATE]  A.P. even got a haircut.

[A.P.]  Just for this.

[JAMIE]  Oh it's fancy.

[KARLI]  Obviously.

[A.P.]  Of course. Why are we here?

[JAMIE]  Is this recording?

[KARLI]  All right. Welcome back to The Act Break, where my co host works tirelessly to carefully curate my chaos. And today I thought her efforts. I am Karli, [laughing] today's game show host.

[JAMIE]  I'm so confused by what's happening already. [A.P. and Karli laugh] And I'm the co-host, Jamie, who works tirelessly to [laughing] curate Karli's chaos. I couldn't say a different, it was perfect.

[KARLI]  Thank you. Today we are joined by chaotic internet friends A.P. Thayer and Lily Hammer, a.k.a.. Kate Howley, our game show victims, and I'm so excited that you guys are here. Thank you.

[JAMIE]  That's the second time she's just the word victims already and now I'm like what was the premise of this game? [A.P. and Karli laugh]

[KARLI]  It's the Squid Games, I just didn't tell you guys, sorry.

[A.P.]  No, you two are stuck in here with us.

[KARLI]  Forever.

[KATE]  We're all victims here.

[KARLI]  [laughing] I don't know I'm already enjoying myself immensely. I don't feel victimized.

[JAMIE]  Because you are the perpetrator. [laughs]

[A.P.]  I think they call it Stockholm. [Karli laughs]

[KARLI]  Okay, so today's game is Guess This One Star Review. I cannot take credit for coming up with the idea. I found this idea in various places on the internet. As well as finding the reviews on the Internet. Disclaimer: Please don't hunt down these reviewers and troll them. Thank you. The rules are as follows. I will read a review to you guys. I'm going to remove any major identifiers. If there's a character name I will change it to protagonist or whatever fits, that way it keeps it as vague as it can be. And then you guys will have an opportunity to guess what book that is reviewing. And obviously these are one star reviews. So the people did not like these books.

[A.P.]  It didn't dawn on me that this was gonna be book reviews till right now. It's like, oh, yeah, I guess that makes sense.

[KATE]  What did you think it would be?

[A.P.]  I don't know, Yelp reviews for like Spokane or something. I don't know. [all laughing]

[KARLI]  We could do that another time. I have tried very hard to find books that we are all, at least moderately familiar with. There might be a few here and there that one of you hasn't read. But it was difficult to make sure that I felt like all of you had read it. And I also had a very difficult time not going down a rabbit hole and picking out the most obscure books that each of you have read and finding one star reviews on those. That might be a future game. You will get a point for each correct answer. Zero if you're incorrect. The winner gets our temporary respect and a cookie.

[A.P.]  Ooo.

[JAMIE]  It's incredibly temporary.

[KARLI]  Or you know, maybe a book. And it might be a book of my choosing. And you might hate it, but somebody will win.

[JAMIE]  But it will be a book.

[KARLI]  Or a cookie.

[JAMIE]  Or a book on cookies. [all chuckle]

[KARLI]  Jamie, what are your questions?

[JAMIE]  Are you asking us each individually? Are you reading the thing and then we're raising our hand?

[A.P.]  Do we buzz in?

[KARLI]  Whoever raises their hand first gets to guess first.

[JAMIE]  How many guesses do we each get?

[KARLI]  One guess. Unless everybody guesses wrong. Then I will maybe give you guys a clue. If you guys all guessed wrong again, then zero points.

[JAMIE]  [laughing] And... [all laugh]

[A.P.]  I was waiting for that.

[KARLI]  Oh, I was waiting.

[JAMIE]  Do these fall into specific genres? Or will you be giving us like categories of any sort at all?

[KARLI]  No.

[JAMIE]  Are they like within the last ten years, within—

[KARLI]  A smattering all across genre and time and—

[JAMIE]  Space, got it.

[KARLI]  If I need to clarify to help you guys get closer to an answer, I will. But we shall see. If I'm reading this and I can't look at you, you guys are gonna have to be on the honor system and call each other out about—

[A.P.]  Oh, yeah, totally.

[KARLI]  Who—[laughs]

[KATE]  Yeah, okay.

[KARLI]  Okay. [A.P. laughs] Kate and Jamie, please—

[KATE]  Do you think he'll be honest?

[KARLI]  About who answered first. [Kate laughs]

[A.P.]  These are all like published books?

[KARLI]  These are all published books.

[JAMIE]  Even though we don't give the video out, the video does exist so we could check who raised their hands.

[KARLI]  [laughs] We can go back.

[KATE]  This is true.

[JAMIE]  Keep that in mind.

[KARLI]  We'll know if you cheated and you will lose what temporary respect you had been given. If you won by cheating.

[A.P.]  Can't lose something you never had.

[JAMIE]  Can go into the negative. [A.P. laughs]

[KARLI]  [laughing] I was thinking about assigning negative points, but I decided to keep it less complicated.

[KATE]  That would be funny, though.

[KARLI]  I mean, if you get caught cheating, I might give you negative points.

[JAMIE]  The power has gone straight to her head. [A.P. laughs]

[KARLI]  Are we ready folks?

[KATE]  I'm oddly nervous. [Karli laughs]

[KARLI]  I'm excited. Your nerves give me life. [all laugh] All right. Are we ready?

[KARLI]  Yes.

[KATE AND JAMIE]  Yes.

[KARLI]  First book. At first I did like the book, then it just started to suck right around the time when the protagonist was getting sexually involved with his girlfriend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first 100 or so pages I liked then it just got really boring. So I highly recommend that you—in all caps—Do not read this book. And please for the love of God. Don't read that Brave New World by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as this book. To put it bluntly don't read any of this author. Just wasting your time.

[JAMIE]  A.P. raised his hang first, but I was right behind him!

[KATE]  Right behind.

[JAMIE]  1984?

[KARLI]  Correct. Is that what you were gonna guess, Jamie?

[JAMIE]  Yeah. [pretending to be a poor sport] Good job, A.P.. Ehhh. [A.P. mimicks Jamie] [all chuckling] Once it says don't read Brave New World, you're like 1984. That's make sense.

[KATE]  Nice..

[KARLI]  [laughs] I had a feeling that you guys didn't get that one. I decided to start out fairly easy.

[A.P.]  Do we just buzz in at any time? Or do we have to wait for you to finish?

[KARLI]  I'm probably going to finish reading the review. But yeah, you as soon as you know you can raise your hand.

[JAMIE]  Jeopardy rules.

[KARLI]  Yeah. All right. Ugh, just because it was written yonks ago by a depressed girl living on the Yorkshire Moors does not mean that it is good. What makes a classic book? the quality of the writing or the passage of time? I would rather slowly bite poke my eyes out with my Kindle than to read this again or to read anything else by any of this author's family's books. Who got it first?

[JAMIE]  Oh A.P. was like way before me. I was raising my hand as a backup in case he doesn't—

[KARLI]  A.P.?

[A.P.]  Pride and Prejudice.

[KARLI]  No.

[A.P.]  I know the family and I don't want to say it.

[JAMIE]  I was gonna say Little Women, but I think it's [frustrated noise] let's see, what do you want to guess Kate? And then we'll go around again.

[KATE]  I have absolutely no idea.

[KARLI]  A.P. is warm.

[A.P.]  Bronte sister book.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[A.P.]  I agree with this one star review actually. [Karli laughs]

[JAMIE]  The heights one.

[A.P.]  Yes!

[JAMIE]  What the heck is it called?

[A.P.]  Wuthering Heights.

[JAMIE]  Withering Heights. That's the one.

[KARLI]  No.

[A.P.]  Damnit!

[JAMIE]  What? [all laughing]

[KARLI]  I mean, it could apply. It's kind of hard because there really wasn't a specific thing pertaining to this story. But it was for Jane Eyre.

[KATE]  Oh my god, I was gonna say that but I was embarrassed.

[KARLI]  Oh!

[KATE]  I have no idea what's going—like I don't—[all laughing] I'm off to a horrible start and I was gonna say that.

[KARLI]  It's all right. Now that a light a fire under you, just say it even if it sounds ridiculous, you're probably not wrong.

[KATE]  All right.

[JAMIE]  So that was no point.

[KARLI]  That was no point. Nobody got a point for that one.

[JAMIE]  Which is horrible, because that means A.P. is still in the lead.

[KARLI]  Correct.

[A.P.]  Get used to that.

[KARLI]  All right. Even Boy Scouts who are supposed to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent, are more morally and intellectually complex than this entire society where you're allowed one defining trait, one primary virtue, and that's it. Jamie?

[JAMIE]  Divergent. Veronica Roth.

[KARLI]  Correct. I mean, it keeps going for quite a while they talk about nasty sociopaths would be more comfortable in Mad Max. It's great. [all chuckling] That's a good. That's a really good one.

[JAMIE]  So you didn't actually get all the way through it?

[KARLI]  No, but I that—I made a note to stop there because it's long. [A.P. and Jamie laugh] But I had to put it on the page because I wanted to remember to bring up the Mad Max thing. The tail end of that review. They're like talking about the trains. There's like a whole paragraph on the trains and... [laughs] trains that hurtle along continuously without even slowing down at stations so that only the reckless thrill seekers among society attempt to jump on or off them. And there are no tickets or fares required. Seriously, what sort of society has the money to provide free public transportation that runs continuously, regardless of who uses it and can be used by only 1/5 of the society and collects no revenues? Do the engineers or drivers jump on and off too? [all chuckling] Was it all auto—or is it all automated? If it's all automated, do the trains stop when another malfunctions? Do they just allow them to crash? Trains do break down and just require servicing after all. [laughing] And that's the end of the review.

[KATE]  That's some hill to die on.

[A.P.]  [laughing] Yeah.

[JAMIE]  I read that book a very long time ago, but I feel like the person writing that review must have misunderstood something. [laughs]

[KARLI]  I mean, they do talk about the trains and they're really not explained I think until in a future book. I just think that they didn't get that far. [laughs] But yeah, that is quite a hill to die on.

[JAMIE]  I would have loved this book, but their transit system just didn't make sense. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  I'm gonna have to apologize for how often I'm gonna cuss in here because there's a lot of cuss words in some of these.

[A.P.]  Ooo my.

[KATE]  Oh, spicy.

[KARLI]  This next one. Co-dependent tree needs to get some f*@%ing boundaries. [laughing] A.P.?

[A.P.]  The Giving Tree?

[KARLI]  Yes.

[A.P.]  Yeah! The hell is that title? [Jamie laughs]

[KARLI]  They're not wrong.

[A.P.]  Kind of harsh, though. I mean, the tree. I mean, it's sad-ass story.

[JAMIE]  It's not an inaccurate, review.

[A.P.]  [laughing] Yeah.

[KARLI]  It's not inaccurate. [laughing]

[JAMIE]  As far as a commentary on the books content.

[KARLI]  The tree was co-dependent.

[KATE]  I've read none of these books so far. Except 1984.

[KARLI]  Oh no!

[KATE]  Which was like 20 years ago.

[KARLI]  There is more that—I even went through some of your guys's list to make sure that I had several that each of you would read. Okay. I can't help it. I need a plot and something I can hold on to. It slipped through my fingers into the 43rd vestibule to the right of a statute covered in seaweed. Lol. Jamie.

[JAMIE]  Piranesi.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[JAMIE]  Who is that by? Uh, Suzanne?

[KARLI]  Susanna Clarke.

[JAMIE]  A book that is widely loved.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[A.P.]  Yeah.

[KARLI]  There's more. There's somebody thought—halls, vestibules, statues, albatross, halls, vestibules, statues, albatross. [A.P. and Jamie laugh] Okay. Weird plotless story whose main character has no life but to be the gateway to that of others. Everyone cheats on everyone. And in the end, nobody ends up happy and the audience doesn't even end up with a moral to hold onto and justify their waste of time and money they just spent.

[KATE]  Can I ask for what year it came out?

[KARLI]  Oh, god, I didn't write that down. [A.P. chuckles] But oh, I can—no, no, I'll look it up real quick.

[A.P.]  Uh. Yeah, it made me think of what the movies called, Closer? With Jude Law and Natalie Portman and...

[KARLI]  It came out in 1925.

[JAMIE]  Oh. Then I would guess that it would be A Stranger in a Strange Land.

[KARLI]  No.

[JAMIE]  Actually have no idea what year A Stranger in a Strange Land came out.

[A.P.]  Great Gatsby?

[KARLI]  Yes, A.P..

[A.P.]  Okay.

[JAMIE]  Nice work.

[KARLI]  Yeah, that one was a little harder.

[JAMIE]  Yeah, it was a little. What did it say? It said the protagonist is a gateway.

[A.P.]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  Yeah, I was like, oh, what does that mean? It makes sense. Now that I know what book it is.

[KARLI]  Could mean a few different things.

[JAMIE]  Who's winning? Are me and A.P. tied now?

[KARLI]  No. [A.P. laughs] A.P. is winning.

[JAMIE]  How?

[KARLI]  One point. One point.

[A.P.]  [laughing] How? Because of math.

[JAMIE]   I don't know how numbers work.

[KARLI]  He has answered more correct questions than you.

[JAMIE]  I don't like it.

[A.P.] I can't tell if we're just subdued or focused.

[JAMIE]  We've never been more focused.

[KARLI]  I mean, seriously. You guys are starting to freak me out, honestly. Okay. Me: no one could ever make a story about two genetically engineered super soldiers fighting a time travel war boring. Author one and author two: hold our pretentious beverage. Kate.

[KATE]  This is How you Lose the Time War.

[KARLI]   Correct.

[KARLI]  By Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone. And for the record, I love that book. [laughs]

[KATE]  I take issue with this reviewer.

[KARLI]  There is another one that I that I put it in here that I'd like to share. This book made me feel really dumb. I don't think it was the book's fault. The combination of high science fiction with poetic literary fiction just didn't click together in my brain. There was never a point in this book where I knew what was going on. I just finished it and I have no idea what happened in it. [all laughing]

[A.P.]  I mean, honestly, that's fair. That's, that's fine.

[JAMIE]  That's fair.

[KARLI] I mean, it is very poetic.

[KATE]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  I love that book.

[KATE]  Me too.

[A.P.]  Yeah, it's great.

[JAMIE]  But I get what that person is talking about. [laughing]

[KARLI]  It's not an easy read.

[A.P.]  Yeah. That first review, though.

[KARLI]  Let's see, what are we doing next? I cannot properly express how painful or read this was for me. I should have known from the struggle I had just to make it through the first few chapters. If you asked me what happened in this novel, my answer would be something like a bunch of unlikable and or boring characters get introduced. There's a lot of swearing and gratuitous violence. Other than that, I have zero clue as to what the whole point was. There seems to be no plot at all just a bunch of terrible, horrible characters running around doing horrible douchey things.

[KATE]  I mean, A.P. has it. I know he has it.

[A.P.]  Is it The Blade Itself?

[KARLI]  Yeah. Yeah, I can keep going on this review. I'm going to after reading and I'll tell you the character because you guys don't need to guess anymore. After reading Glokta's intro, I was convinced the characters were actually lizards. So much focus on him licking his teeth and gums, [A.P. laughs] and the fact that he's a cripple, but no other kind of descriptions to convince me [laughing] he wasn't a Lizard Man. [assorted chuckling] Honestly, this would have been a much more interesting read if it had been about humanoid lizards.

[KATE]  I mean, they're not wrong. And this is why it took me three tries to finish that book.

[A.P.]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  If it was about humanoid lizards, I might have picked it up by now. [all laugh]

[A.P.]  Just pretend they are.

[JAMIE]  It probably makes no difference the story really.

[KARLI]  Glokta specifically. Yeah, no, I agree. It took me a minute to get into that one. And now obviously, like we're all obsessed, and...

[JAMIE]  I'll probably cut this out but when you were reading it, I was like, I don't know if something by Jay Kristoff?

[A.P.]  Don't cut it out.

[JAMIE]  You trying to tell me I'm allowed to have opinions? I don't know.

[A.P.]  Yeah, this episode was all about you airing your book laundry out. [A.P. and Jamie laugh]

[JAMIE]  I just want to insult a whole bunch of beloved things. That's my favorite pastime. [A.P. chuckles]

[KARLI]  Okay. If crap had an asshole, this would be shooting out of it. [assorted chuckles] This novel if a bunch of childish repetition words comprise a novel, is the biggest load of crap I've come across since visiting a dairy farm in Wisconsin when I was seven. My tabby cat could write better sex scenes than this woman. For all of you who think this book is precious and well written. I'm scared, very scared for you. It's a sad day when so many women appear to get hot over this book. Time to readjust the thermostat ladies. Yes, Jamie.

[KARLI]  ACoTaR.

[KARLI]  No.

[JAMIE]  What?! How dare you? [all laugh]

[A.P.]  That was gonna be my guess too.

[KARLI]  Okay.

[JAMIE]  My second guess is Outlander.

[KARLI]  No. Yes, Kate.

[KATE]  Shadow and Bone?

[KARLI]  No. It is definitely in the erotica genre.

[JAMIE]  Then it would be 50 shades?

[KARLI]  Yes.

[KATE]  Oh, okay. There's so many authors and books that I feel that way about. [A.P. laughs]

[KARLI]  Yeah. There's a, there's a lot of books that that could, that could fall into.

[JAMIE]  Do I get a point for that? If it was my third guess. [laughs]

[KARLI]  Oh, it was your third guess? No, you don't get a point for that.

[A.P.]  Ooo.

[JAMIE]  I don't know why I said that. I'm gonna cut out the whole part where I pointed it out and the part where says I can't have it. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  And then she finds all the words to splice together to say "Jamie wins" at the end.

[JAMIE]  I can make you say whatever I want.

[KARLI]  [chuckles] Yeah.

[A.P.]  Wait, what's the score now?

[JAMIE]  I have a billion points. And you live in a dirt hole now and are destitute.

[KATE]  Wow.

[A.P.]  But I still have more points. [laughs]

[KARLI]  A.P. did say he was going to come in competitive and it's it's really brought it out in Jamie.

[JAMIE]  I just trying to meet his energy.

[A.P.]  Did this for you.

[KARLI]  The energy of destruction that he claimed earlier? Yeah. Okay. A.P. has four points. Jamie has two points. Kate has one.

[A.P.]  Nice.

[JAMIE]  I would like my 50 Shades of Grey point back please. [A.P. laughs]

[KARLI]  Nah.

[JAMIE]  But I got it and nobody else got it. Can I have half a point? [Kate laughs]

[KARLI]  No.

[JAMIE]  Point five.

[KARLI]  No. [Kate and A.P. laugh] I'm in charge here.

[JAMIE]  I guess I should have been more specific in my questions portion.

[KATE]  Well, then I want a quarter of a point because I thought the answer to Jane Eyre. [all laugh]

[A.P.]  Yeah, like what are we doing here?

[KARLI]  Yeah, I don't think so.

[JAMIE]  We must abide by these rules that we're making up as we go along.

[KARLI]  All right. It was when the thief and the mage pulled out a whiteboard and started drawing a flowchart of how to conquer the fantasy kingdom that I realized, wait, I'm just reading some sad bastard's D&D campaign. I am not sure what purpose fiction serves, but I am positive this is not it.

[JAMIE]  Kate.

[KATE]  This has to be Brandon Sanderson. Is it Mistborn?

[KARLI]  Yes.

[JAMIE]  Good job. I had no idea what that was. And I read that book.

[JAMIE]  And loved it.

[A.P.]  Yeah, same.

[JAMIE]  Good call. [chuckles]

[KARLI]  I did too. And I cracked up about the whiteboard thing because they do, they totally get out of board to plan the over throw of the,—which I thought was cool. I didn't dislike it. [all laugh]

[KATE]  His byline for that book is always heist. Heist, heist, heist. He puts it at the front of all of his marketing campaigns. Add sad D&D campaign. That's Brennan Sanderson. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  All right. This is the most unnecessary book I've ever read. Not only that, but nothing in the book actually relates to killing a certain creature. And as a professional, high ranking member of the elite creature hunting society. Killing a certain creature is so simple that in fact, there are not even enough steps in the matter to write a whole book about the matter. Such a disgrace to people like me, would not recommend. Who had it first?

[KATE]  A.P. did. I'm backup answer.

[KARLI]  Okay, A.P..

[A.P.]  This has got to be a Witcher book.

[KARLI]  No.

[A.P.]  Really?

[KATE]  That’s what I was gonna say.

[A.P.]  No way.

[KATE]  Creature killing. Wait, I want to take my guess anyway. Is it ACoTaR?

[KARLI]  No.

[KATE]  Okay.

[JAMIE]  It's giving off like a category of books that I'm trying to like. Which one would it be? Okay, what's the—we need an additional clue.

[KATE]  Can you read it again first?

[KARLI]  Sure. This is the most unnecessary book I've ever read. Not only that, but nothing in the book actually relates to killing certain creature. And as a professional, high ranking member of the elite creature hunting society. Killing a certain creature is so simple, in fact that there are not even enough steps in the matter to write a whole book about the matter. Such a disgrace to people like me would not recommend. All right, who, who?

[A.P.]  Jamie was first.

[KARLI]  Okay.

[JAMIE]  Vampire Academy.

[KARLI]  No.

[A.P.]  Shadow Hunters?

[KARLI]  No.

[KATE]  The Howl of Midnight?

[KARLI]  No. All right. I'm gonna give you one more clue because you guys are so far from it. [all laughing] And I feel like it's unfair because I said creature and I think that you guys are going way into fantasy. And you need to dial away back to mundane. Like real world creature.

[JAMIE]  Vampires are totally mundane.

[KARLI]  Yeah, mhmm.

[JAMIE]  Clue me!

[KARLI]  That's your clue, is like bring the creature back down to something in the real world.

[JAMIE]  That was—I thought you were gonna like read another review from it. [laughs]

[KARLI]  I mean, I can if you'd like me to. Yes, A.P..

[A.P.]  Jurassic Park.

[KARLI]  No. [A.P. and Karli laugh] I said real world A.P..

[KATE]  [laughing] How is that mundane?

[KARLI]  I said real.

[A.P.]  Dinosaurs are real!

[JAMIE]  I don't understand how something goes from being a certain creature to mundane. Is it like The Revenant? Are you talking about like a bear? [laughing] I don't understand.

[KARLI]  Oh my god, I now am convinced I need to read a different review of this book because you guys are so far from it... [laughs] It's cracking me up. Actually, I thought that this one would actually be one of the easier ones.

[JAMIE]  Especially because he said he was a high ranking member in the certain creature hunting society. What the hell does that mean? How could this not be something high fantasy?

[A.P.]  Made up shit. I mean, no one's getting points for this one, right?

[JAMIE]  Yes. Let's agree to that now, so A.P. doesn't extend his lead. [A.P. laughs] I guess Karli can get a point for this one because she stumped us.

[KARLI]  I really want to just read that one. But it's more of, more of the same nonsense that will not help you.

[A.P.]  Do it.

[JAMIE]  Do it.

[KARLI]  While the plot was very gripping and well written, the book didn't actually instruct me on how to kill this creature. I bought this book intending to do away with this obnoxious creature that's always sitting in my backyard and making distracting noises. I had hoped this book would shed some light on how to humanely dispose of the creature. But unfortunately, it was this story about a lawyer and a falsely accused criminal. As I said, the plot is great, but nowhere in the book does it say exactly how to kill this creature.

[KATE]  How To Kill a Mockingbird!

[KARLI]  Yes.

[KATE]  I get a point for this.

[KARLI]  I agree, Kate gets a point for that.

[A.P.]  These are just troll reviews. These aren't like. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  So great. And I'm so happy now. Thank you guys for just indulging in one of my favorites pastimes. [all laugh]

[KATE]  That was really good. The Witcher! [more laughing]

[JAMIE]  Seemed like it should have made sense to me.

[KARLI]  I mean, and that's why I was like, oh, god, saying creature just way out the way out in the weeds. [all laughing]

[KATE]  Oh, yeah.

[KARLI]  That was a bad choice on my part. Wow.

[A.P.]  So really everyone gets a point.

[KARLI]  Yeah, totally. Mmm no.

[JAMIE]  Karli's probably not even actually writing down when we get point. [all laugh]

[A.P.]  Jamie's so salty that she's in second place.

[JAMIE]  I'm not not salty. Okay?

[KARLI]  I'm writing down everyone's points but A.P..

[KATE]  I'm coming for a second place.

[A.P.]  You're tied in second now, aren't you?

[KARLI]  No because Jamie didn't get a point for that other one.

[JAMIE]  Well, that means I had to and Kate had one before so she would have two if you give her a point for—I told you she wasn't writing it down.

[KARLI]  No, she has three now. She had one before. She had two. Because she got How to Lose the Time War. And she got oh, no, A.P. got the blade itself. Aw, fuck me.

[JAMIE]  You see what I'm—just trying to make sure everything—

[A.P.]  I'm winning by even more points. You're right.

[KATE]  Great.

[KARLI]  Given one of your points to Kate, it's fine. Don't look too close.

[A.P.]  It's fine so long as Jamie loses.

[JAMIE]  So A.P. has five points. Is that what you're telling me?

[KARLI]  I think so.

[KATE]  [disgusted noise]

[JAMIE]  How many more questions do we have?

[KARLI]  Two.

[JAMIE]  That's it?

[KARLI]  Yeah. Okay. I have to make sure that I'm really good about this one, or you guys are gonna guess it. Reading this book feels like reading a homework assignment. Instead of keeping the summary as personal notes, he published it. The fact that the author boasts about being a writer only makes it worse, you can actually smell the cheap tools he uses to put words into text and build chapters out of thin air. I wanted this book to get better, but it doesn't. Up to the very end, the author repeats the same choice pattern. Tell them what you were going to tell them. Tell them, tell them what you told them. Simplify science to the border of being wrong. Abuse of as such a person said insert quote here, build each chapter out of unacknowledged, stolen, refurbished concepts coming from other writings that predate this book.

[A.P.]  I had my hand up first, but my guess was wrong. So I will say my wrong guess and then Jamie can go.

[KARLI]  Okay.

[A.P.]  I was gonna guess the Silmarillion but that's not correct.

[JAMIE]  And I was going to guess The Martian by Andy Weir.

[KATE]  Ooo that's a good guess.

[KARLI]  No.

[A.P.]  I have a correct guest though.

[JAMIE]  Oh.

[KARLI]  Wait, wait, what Kate?

[KATE]  Oh, no, I said The Martian was a good guess.

[JAMIE]  Thank you.

[KARLI]  A.P.

[A.P.]  Atomic Habits.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[KATE]  Oh, see, I can't break my brain away from science fiction, fantasy. [all chuckle]

[KARLI]  That was gonna be my clue. If he was wrong again. I was gonna say it's nonfiction.

[KATE]  Okay.

[JAMIE]  That is the format of every single self help book there is.

[A.P.]  Yeah, I'm like—Jesus.

[KARLI]  Right. I mean, like, I don't know why this guy's mad. Like, this is what—this is what self-improvement book patterns look.

[A.P.]  Yeah, like—

[KARLI]  This is the format. This is how we intake that information. This is the only way most mundane brained people can actually accept that kind of information. Thank you very much. [A.P. and Karli chuckle] I speak for myself. All right.

[JAMIE]  So you just extended the lead, right?

[KARLI]  He did. He did indeed.

[JAMIE]  Now there's now we're basically just competing for—

[KATE]  Second.

[JAMIE]  Second place.

[KARLI]  Kind of, yeah.

[JAMIE]  Unless we forced Karli out—back into the interwebs. To find more.

[KARLI]  I'm actually looking for more right now. So give me a second. [Kate laughs] Okay. The writing also suffered because author tried to pad her own narrative with one of my biggest pet peeves ever, the narrative question, you know, but why was I here? What reason could he have to keep me alive? Why was he being so nice to me? Should I trust him? Should I trust anyone? Will anyone stop reading if my story is 50% questions? etc. This could be so many things. [laughs]

[JAMIE]  That—if you don't know that's Bella Swan then— [laughs]

[KARLI]  Wrong.

[A.P.]  Ohhhh! [Karli laughs]

[JAMIE]  What? That's verbatim Twilight. That was so close to being exactly what Twilight was.

[KARLI]  Alright, Kate.

[KATE]  This is A Court of Thorns and Roses.

[KARLI]  Yes it is. [Kate and Karli laugh]

[JAMIE]  Twilight and A Court of Thorns and—

[KATE]  Exactly.

[JAMIE]  Switch out vampires for fairies.

[KARLI]  Right. Yeah, on point on point.

[JAMIE]  Good job, Kate.

[KARLI]  I mean, and I have read both A Court of Thorns and Roses and Twilight more than once. I'll admit it.

[KATE]  Was this my review of A Court of Thorns and Roses? [all laugh]

[JAMIE]  That's exactly what I remember Twilight being. [laughs] And you read all of the ACoTaR series didn't yah?

[KATE]  [frustrated noise] I'm stuck in the third one. [Karli laughs] My friend at work is trying to get me to finish it. Because she was like, you just have to finish it. You just gotta get through it.

[JAMIE]  But do you?

[KATE]  Like no, I don't. [all laughing]

[KARLI]  I have—I have one that I like al—like one prepared, but that's going to be the last one. I'm saving that for last. I found another one now. This is also in the non-fiction category. Do you like talking to furniture? Do you believe shirts have souls? Are you insane? This might be the book for you.

[JAMIE]  I have a guess.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[JAMIE]  The what is it called, The Tidying Up book by Marie Kondo.

[KARLI]  Yes.

[KATE]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  That's the one. [chuckles] If a shirt has a soul and it's non-fiction, it's Marie Kondo.

[KATE]  And you have to thank you for its service before you throw it away.

[KARLI]  Yeah, yeah. I mean, like I read it. I was obsessed with the show. It actually honestly helped me tidy up my house in a way that I have never done before. Will I ever do it again? Probably not. But I liked it at the time. I loved it. In fact, it was very good for me.

[A.P.]  What is this? I've never heard of any of this.

[KATE]

The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up.

[KARLI]  It's the the Marie Kondo method where you like, if it doesn't spark joy, you get rid of it. Did you ever hear that?

[JAMIE]  It's a way to organize and filter through everything in your home to get rid of declutter and organize your life.

[KARLI]  And like relieves stress from your mind and things like that. Yeah.

[A.P.]  I guess I just don't have that issue.

[JAMIE]  I love that book because I love throwin stuff away. [A.P. laughs]

[KATE]  Oh, me too.

[JAMIE]  So How many questions did you have?

[KARLI]  I had a certain number.

[JAMIE]  That's what I figured.

[KARLI]  Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen—and then this last one will be sixteen.

[KATE]  We did sixteen?

[A.P.]  Time flies.

[JAMIE]  We're really good at this you guys. At least A.P. is. [A.P. and Jamie laugh]

[KATE]  Jamie got zero points.

[JAMIE]  Kate's coming right at me.

[KATE]  Just to throw it out there.

[JAMIE]  She's just denied any points that I had. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  Well, this was a very weird book. It annoyed me how the perspective of the story changed frequently throughout the book. I was constantly confused whether protagonist was speaking in past or present. Wow you guys are sure already. Dang.

[JAMIE]  Finish it up. Finish it up.

[KARLI]  I'm not done. This book really got on my nerves for several reasons. Sorry, but I have to unleash some of my hatred for this book. One: Wow. I quote unquote love how it is so convenient that they spontaneously keep running into giant spiders, evil elves, goblins, giants, etc. I know they need a climax and all that seriously? Two. Okay protag you have a mother frickin’ wizard with you. Why don't you ask him to like um, help?

[JAMIE]  Wait, hold on. You guys had raised your hands earlier. Do you want to guess?

[KATE]  I was wrong.

[KARLI]  Oh they—

[JAMIE]  Because I know what it is now.

[KATE]  I don't.

[A.P.]  I have a wrong guess. I think.

[KARLI]  I want to I want to finish reading.

[JAMIE]  Yeah, but it's—I don't want them to raise their hands and then be in first cue because they raised their hand earlier when they had a wrong guess because I have—

[KARLI]  No, they put their hands back down. You put your hand up, you're good.

[A.P.]  Jeeze Jamie.

[JAMIE]  I'm not gonna get screwed out of my one point. [all laugh]

[KATE]  You're in second.

[A.P.]  Yeah, this isn't gonna make you win, like chill out. [all laugh]

[JAMIE]  It's all I have. I need this. [more laughing]

[KARLI]  Final question. It's all I have. [laughs] Protag, use your brain I don't care if you have to build a plane, blimp, submarine or whatever but really don't you have a better way of transportation? Four: you are being counterproductive. Five: you are so self conscious and unconfident. Six: horrible character build up. Seven: I have no idea what time period this is in, the future, the past, the present? Eight: use the stupid map protag. Obviously we have access to the same identical map. Nine: maybe you should have you know, done some research before you and your, quote unquote, friends go stampeding into unknown territory. Ten: Wow, how convenient that mentor happens to have elf buddies right where you and your missionary dwarves are headed for. Eleven: Treasure? Really? Come on. I don't care if you disagree with my review, but I certainly hate this book. Jamie.

[JAMIE]  The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien. [laughs]

[KARLI]  Ding ding ding.

[KATE]  I just realized what it was. [Karli laughs] That review is so weird.

[KARLI]  It is so weird.

[KATE]  I don't know what time period it is.

[A.P.]  Yeah, like I wanted to say The Hobbit. I'm like this person is just wrong about a lot of this. [more laughing]

[KARLI]  Like I know you need a climax but come on.

[A.P.]  They're literally going to get the kingdom back like—

[KARLI]  In a fantasy book.

[A.P.]  Yeah.

[KARLI]  I would really like it to have some more like realistic obstacles for the climax. Okay, guys.

[KATE]  And a blimp.

[KARLI]  And a blimp or a submarine. I mean it really.

[JAMIE]  You literally have a wizard with you.

[KARLI]  Listen. Everybody's on about the, about the Eagles taking the ring to Mordor. Nah, it's about the submarines.

[KATE]  So my first guess was going to be The Fifth Season.

[KARLI]  Oh, okay.

[KATE]  And then it was gonna be Gideon the Ninth and then it said spiders and I was like, I was wrong.

[KARLI]  And you're like, okay, nevermind. But I could see where with the first couple of things with POV because those books do very strange things with POV that somebody that not used to it would probably freak out.

[KATE]  Yeah.

[JAMIE]  What was your first guest gonna be A.P.?

[A.P.]  Oh, The Broken Earth series.

[KATE]  Yeah, it was mine.

[KARLI]  So definitely.

[JAMIE]  What a fun game. Thank you, Karli, for facilitating that joy.

[A.P.]  Yeah.

[KATE]  What's the final score?

[JAMIE]  I won the last question. [all laugh]

[A.P.]  Winner takes all.

[KARLI]  Um, all right. So in last place is Kate with three points.

[A.P.]  Aww.[KARLI]

Second place is Jamie with four points. And in first place, dominating, crushing it and going to rub it in our faces forever is—

[KATE]  Yeah.

[KARLI]  A.P. with six points.

[A.P.]  Let's goooo! [all laugh]

[JAMIE]  Congratulations, A.P.. You are the final award winner of 15 extra minutes of our respect. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  Extra?

[A.P.]  Yes, it feels so good.

[KARLI]  See, we didn't say when we were gonna dole those out. It's like 15 minutes in like one minute increments.

[A.P.]  One every 15 years. [laughs]

[KARLI]  Over the remainder of our friendship.

[A.P.]  The respect only happens between three and four in the morning.

[JAMIE]  Only on Leap Day.

[KARLI]  Thank you guys for playing my ridiculous game. I really appreciate your time and putting up with my shenanigans.

[KATE]  Thank you.

[JAMIE]  And thank you both for being here on this, our penultimate episode of the season.

[A.P.]  Let's go grab some beers.

[JAMIE]  Whoo.

[KARLI]  You said you didn't want to hang out with me.

[KARLI]  Yeah.

[A.P.]  No like we each go grab a beer.

[KATE]  Oh, just as long as you're not in our presence.

[KARLI]  Like actually sit and hang out on Zoom together with a beer?

[A.P.]  I've committed to too much. [all laugh]

[JAMIE]  Well, I'm busy. I can't do it anyway, so if that helps.

[A.P.]  [A.P. imitates Jamie] I don't even like beer.

[JAMIE]  I'm busy. I don't like beer but whatever.

[A.P.]  I guess I don't even know if you two drink.

[JAMIE]  Just don't drink beer. Beer tastes really beery. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  [imitates valley girl] Just don't like that beer taste.

[JAMIE]  It tastes like beer.

[A.P.]  What do you drink?

[KATE]  Yeah, what do you drink?

[JAMIE]  My drink of choice would be old fashioned. If I'm gonna have like a cocktail.

[A.P.]  I don't know why but I suddenly imagined Jamie like having an Everclear still in her bathroom. [laughter]

[JAMIE]  What?

[KATE]  Wow.

[A.P.]  I don't know why.

[JAMIE]  I don't even know what that means.

[A.P.]  Really, you don't?

[KARLI]  [laughing] I love, I love that visual and how wrong it is.

[JAMIE]  I don't even know what to Google. [all laugh] Now I want to know everybody's cocktail of choice.

[KARLI]  Ask me what day of the week it is. I don't know.

[JAMIE]  Can I get an alcohol?

[KARLI]  That's yeah, I like drinks in general. I'm—it depends on my mood. Pretty much everything. I do not like vodka. That's pretty much it.

[A.P.]  All right, Kate.

[KATE]  I like craft cocktails, but I like gin and tequila.

[A.P.]  Like together?

[KATE]  Not together. [all laugh]

[KARLI]  But just like—

[A.P.]  I'd like a gin and tequila. Straight up. [more laughter]

[KATE]  I need about a week between each drink.

[KARLI]  A.P.?

[A.P.]  Mezcal Paloma.

[KARLI]  Mmmm.

[JAMIE]  Well, maybe someday, we'll see. We'll all have a drink together.

[KARLI]  I mean, I'd really like that. Even if you nerds don't want to hang out with me in real life. I would like to hang out with you guys.

[KATE]  I do.

[A.P.]  Yeah, like joking aside, that would be cool.

[JAMIE]  Yeah. Thanks, you guys. You can find Kate on Instagram @lilyhammerxm, and her website lilyhammerwriting.com. And you can find A.P. on Twitter and Instagram @apthayer. He also has his own website where he has links to his work and where he has links to his work. And you should check it out. Wow. Thank God the seasons almost over. Whatever. If you listen to the podcast, you know enough about A.P. we're giving him a lot of free publicity. Let's just— [laughter]

[A.P.]  Woah, woah, free?

[KARLI]  [laughing] Wow!

[A.P.]  We're not discussing the monthly payments for advertising? No I'm just kidding. [more laughter]

[JAMIE]  The emotional toll for you to show up all the time. Yeah. So thank you guys. Go and follow them. Check out their work, keep track of their careers. They're super fun, and very helpful and insightful. Thank you guys.

[A.P.]  Jeeze that was real—

[KARLI]  Yes.

[JAMIE]  Thanks for listening. You can find the links to all of our social media as well as our website where you can sign up for the newsletter or access our transcript in the link of this episode.

[KARLI]  Don't forget to follow and subscribe.

[JAMIE]  And we will be here next week for the final episode of season two, The Act Break Podcast. Thank you again for listening and thank you guys again for being here today.

[KARLI]  Good night and good luck.

[KATE]  Bye.

[A.P.]  Farewell.

[KARLI]  Fare thee well, friends.